bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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