that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
