So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
