You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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