Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
is that a dick in a sweater?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
