what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
