Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
