Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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