Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you had me at cake vodka
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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