just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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