not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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