her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Someone came in the potted fern
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Enjoy the penises
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
