sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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