Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
