i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
