GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
