More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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