now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
