So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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