We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm having to shit out rocks
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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