the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
