my phone needs a breathalizer
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I can't turn off my feet"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
