Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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