Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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