his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
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the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
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Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
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