He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
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Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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