Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Randomize
