Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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