Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
