I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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