i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
