Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
