anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
