I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
