I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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