Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
