I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
