i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
