this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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