did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
