guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
