I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
