Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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