Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
