'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
porn star boner night. come get it.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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