im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
