i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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