Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
