We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
