turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize