Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
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No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
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Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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