I'm gonna have a badass scar
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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