Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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