I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
