so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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