Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
We are all done wearing pants today
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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